I did not just sit by and "collect dust."

Fuck all of this. Maybe I can't do anything for him, maybe there's nothing I can do about this - but at least I can help my people.

I'll send the letter tomorrow, after I've killed something.

I can't help him. I've been trying - I really, honestly wanted this to work - but by this point I... he's going to die. The last time we talked, he was acting crazy, yammering on and on about how people think he's so ungrateful, all because of one stupid comment I made.

"Maybe we should find out the name of the shaman that helped you, so we can send him a proper thank you" apparently is highly insulting and insinuates that he is an ingrate that can't appreciate anyone.

I just don't know what to do with him. Am I supposed to do anything? What can I? He doesn't listen to a word I say, he's practically in love with this Atalante fellow, and every day he gets worse and worse. I don't even want to touch him anymore. It took all my willpower just to kiss him on the cheek the other day; I can feel the tumors in his back, the lump... His hair is falling out now, he has to wear a hood to cover it, and his skin...

I need to get away from it for a while. I feel trapped, like I'm stuck with this man that's clearly going fucking Wretched, this man whose qualities kept me with him, but now they seem to be receding as he goes insane...



Maybe I'll take up that training the Shattered Sun asked me about. At least it'd take my minds off things, and I could avoid him keep myself busy.

I don't think he understands how hard it is for me to watch him routinely kill himself.

For some reason I just... haven't felt like writing lately. I'm too busy, there's too much to do, to think about; Morol bashed his head on something when he was out playing fighting in the Barrens a while ago, and making sure he was alright took up a lot of my time. Stupid boy. He still won't tell me what exactly happened. Probably means it's embarrassing.

At least he's okay, though, even if he's probably a bit dumber now; probably still eating the pantry in a span of five minutes. But...

Tanthos is... sick.

I don't know what's wrong with him, but I think it has to do with this Atalante fellow. I told him I don't think he should see him anymore, but we'll see if he listens; men are men. In the meantime, I'm helping him clean out his apartment (and ONLY cleaning out his apartment, thanks, Darda). It's a MESS. I think it's going to take us a few days to get it to at least an acceptable status; I've never seen so much paper in my life.

I just hope this all gets better - he's so ill. You can see it in him, he's thin, something about his hair isn't... what it used to be, his skin is all pallid and stretched...

I've half a mind not to go talk to that Atalante fellow again and see what exactly it is he's trying to help him with. I'm guessing he's some sort of disease, and it seems like Atalante is trying to mask it by giving him more mana than he needs - he's overdosing on those fucking crystals.

Something very weird is going on here, and I'm going to uncover it.

There's a certain point where, no matter how curious you are, you've got to realize that it's not your business.

I fucking hate that point. Why don't I deserve to know? What have I done that deems me unworthy of knowledge? It's annoying as sin. I don't see why I can't be bloody curious.

Not like it matters. I can't ask anymore. When you've received veiled threats from a Silvermoon government official, it's a sign that it's time to stop snooping. "Small incidents can go unnoticed in a government in turmoil" prick. Thanks a lot, I love it when people threaten my life. It's GRAND.

Anyways, this is what I know:

• Commander Sunlance of The Reckoning is associated with Atalante, a researcher who confessed to me that he's currently charged to study the Wretched. He didn't pinpoint necessarily why, but I'm going to assume for a cure.
  
• Atalante has the Commander's brother hidden away somewhere in the ruins and is trying to cure him. Didn't SOUND like they were having much success, based on the screams.
  
• Cirban Firestorm, the man who threatened me, works for the Silvermoon government and confirmed Atalante's credentials. So I guess my first inclination is wrong, and it's not some secret "interrogation" effort on part of the Silvermoon guard.
  
• Tanthos knows Atalante and seems to be in good company with the man. I trust Tanthos (as much as one can trust a man one's just recently met), so I'm going to go with the notion that Atalante's not too terrible.
  
• But then again... why threaten me? If it's an operation based purely on finding a cure for the Wretched, why all the secrecy? You'd think they'd open it up in order to gain more funding...

But I can't ask. I can't snoop, I can't scout, because if I do, I'm going to assume I'll be in a very bad situation immediately after. The organization seems innocent enough, even if they're hiding it away and... threatening people not to ask... that part is weird. Maybe they're just nervous about how the public would react? I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can tell the Warcaller, which is unfortunate because the whole reason I was snooping around in the FIRST place was to tell him that the Reckoning is doing some weird shit in the troll ruins. If we're going to work with them, we should know who they are, but... if I tell, they might find out. Then again, is there anything to tell? Maybe the Warcaller would just get annoyed and think it's stupid. I can imagine how that'd sound. "Hey, the Reckoning is loosely associated with some GUY who works for the GOVERNMENT! They're trying to find a cure for the Wretched. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! Man, they're some dodgy fellows, working towards that cure. I tell ya."

Bugger. What a waste of time.

What a bizarre day.

It started out alright. I completed my contracts on Quel'Danas and wandered about for a bit, then came across Tanthos again. We did work together for the rest of the evening, mostly for the Shattered Sun, then separated when it got dark. He had mounds of paperwork or some such, and I had a scouting mission to complete, anyways. Said something about fishing later? I'll have to make sure I talk to Morol first this time, he was pretty upset about last night, and now he's asking me things. He thinks I'm sneaking around with Belerius again, he knows about him now, at least a little bit; enough to know that he hurt me - I guess I need to clear that up with him, so he knows I'm not slipping out every evening to fu

So I return to the city and gear up, then head out into Eversong. I was supposed to be analyzing some troll ruins at Tor'Watha, as there had been some reports there recently of increased activity amongst the trolls. Well, I get there, and I don't see any trolls at he actual ruins, but instead there's this weird little man sitting on the steps, and shortly thereafter that Commander woman arrives.

I honestly thought they were having an affair. I was certain I'd stumbled across some sort of moonlit meeting, but then something howled from inside the ruins, and... and it became very obvious to me that the only affairs going on were ones of a more sinister variety, I suppose. So they weren't fucking.

It's her brother. The Commander - her brother is in those ruins, undergoing some sort of "treatment" to revert him from a Wretched state. That weird man - Atalan? something like that - HE'S doing all this. I questioned her about his credentials and she went on a big shpeel about how she's researched everything, but she didn't have anything specific to cite, and...

... and who locks up their own BROTHER in fucking troll ruins with some RANDOM PRICK? This is the leader of the unit we're going to be working with? I was hoping, based on Tanthos, that the lot of them were relatively balanced people, but it seems like we've got our work cut out for us. And the Warcaller - fucking idiot - he didn't even get any of the discussion down on paper, so now I have to hunt down that crazy bitch and get her to write out an official contract, so we don't, by proxy, get completely fucked in the arse.

Why are people so sunscorched stupid. Bloody hellfire. I'm going to go hunt down some more flats and write the LT Tanthos a letter.

That was interesting. Haven't been drunk AND high in ages. Started off with some sort of brew Tanthos made, then began mixing it with the Silverwine, and... yeah. Stoned on mana, drunk from the booze, good combo.

I can't believe what happened to him in the cells with his ex - I mean, seriously? What kind of person does that to someone they love? Well, I do believe it in a literal sense, but... Sun, that's cruel. Especially since they were all working towards a solution anyways, she could have waited, but instead

Ugh. Poor guy. Talked for a while longer after that before we started kissing again, which was a nice change of pace, and he referred to me once as his? Don't know if it was just in expression or if that means we have some sort of thing going on, but alright either way. Really nice hair. Happy that he's respecting the fact that just because I kiss you doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you, as most men these days seem to think any physical contact is a ticket straight into bed.

In other news, the unit nearly drove me insane last night. Whenever Avelmore's in a good mood it seems like he has to turn into this giant, flaring asshole in order to let everyone know, so he started immediately making fun of Luxley's stutter over the 'stone. Yeah, great. You're a real big man, Avel, mocking someone for something they can't help. We all called him out on it and he of course turned up the sass, and then Matojo got involved, and Darda clicked her stone off, and damn sometimes do I think this unit needs a mass attitude adjustment. REALLY.

Not like they can get it from Red, and no one really respects my promotion enough to listen to me, but... they need something. Especially with these rumors the Warcaller is talking about, where there's something going on, a new front he thinks is going to open up - we should be cohesive now, not a mass of arguing mercenaries. I'm worried about how we'll do if we ever have to work on a contract together, the lot of us. If there's no alcohol, we'll fail for sure.

Apparently we struck up some deal with The Reckoning, too? What is this? He's telling us all to write Shaali. Huh. Maybe I will.

Right.

So I met with Darda last night for drinks and to talk to her about men. Which, hilariously enough, is pretty much always the topic of our conversations when we go out, but it was good just to sit around with her again. I haven't seen that girl in ages.

Anyways, I told her about my concerns with Belerius - how I'm scared he'll somehow come back again and just be ashamed of me. I don't know if he'd be angry, if he'd be jealous or sad, but I can't imagine any positive reactions. Maybe he'd try and win me back, who knows. It's all bullshit in the end, though; as Darda said, if I haven't seen him by now, I probably won't see him ever again. So don't worry about him. Also, I shouldn't let myself feel bad about kissing Tanthos - since I'm the one who was left, apparently I can start looking at other men whenever I want. There's no grace period. Oh, and SHE was the one who bought him at the Auction thing? Funny as hell, going to give him shit about that.

Basically the same message about Rhyn. She wouldn't even really let me get started on him. All she said was to ignore him, that he's not a problem, he's just being his prick-self, essentially.

I still can't believe how quickly he turned on me. I lied to the entire unit to protect him, I turned on my own; but then all he did was run away and attack me a few days later.

Thanks, pal.

I should get back to the City and look for a flat. Lapu said he'd rent the old one if I left. Apparently he likes it a lot and, well, I'd be much happier if someone I know has it than if a stranger took it. I guess we'll see.

TO DO:

• Replace the liquor
  
• Get Morol some new pants, he's really outgrrowing them
  
• Check Silvermoon City for flats
  
• Write Tanthos about his cake
  
• See if Quel'Danas has any missions open today
  

[[ The writing here is sloppy and slanted, hinting that the writer might have been drunk at the time this entry was made. ]]



Total whore.

Is it possible for me to get drunk and not latch onto the nearest available man I see? SOURCES SAY NO. Spent a lot of time with Tanthos yesterday, probably a bit more than I should, and ended up asking him out on a date of all things. I haven't even looked at men since Belerius left. It hasn't crossed my mind once. But then, oh! ALL OF A SUDDEN it's time to be a complete skank, go drinking with a man I've only just met, and make out with him on a hill.

I hate hormones forever.

( And then she FRETS endlessly about Belerius and how soon is too soon to be kissing other men... )

Fuck, Morol just woke up

I lost.

I'm still having a hard time accepting it. HOW did I lose to a man?! Men aren't supposed to know how to cook! They're supposed to be bumbling failures in the kitchen! But then he showed up and the sandwich he made (way too simple, should have chosen something hard) was actually really fucking good, like it was better something I would have made.

So in short, it was embarrassing, and now I owe him a cake. A cake laced with mana, which will be an interesting thing to figure out how to make. I'm pretty sure I can do it - if bloodthistle and alcohol can be laced, why can't a cake? All it'll take is some figuring.

Might have been flirting a bit, stupid PRETTY sure he likes other men. Which is weird, but he's nice otherwise, so I guess it's alright? I don't know. He has really fucked up hands, too, tried asking him how they got that way and he didn't give me a solid answer. He just put his gloves back on.

In other news, I've been looking around the City a lot for potential flats or maybe a house?. There's a LOT of them on lease at the moment, so it's just a matter of finding one that's well within my price range and in an area I like. Someplace safe, definitely not Murder Row again.

Aaaaaand Morol just broke my vase.

I hate trolls.

Fucking wish they all would trip and die on their own bloody tusks. FORGIVE ME for accepting your fucking invitation to drink and trying to JOKE AROUND WITH YOU just like you guys do each other. My bad for trying to GET ALONG.

And what happened to that new rank? So much for respecting it OFF THE FIELD.

Red was right. I've got my work cut out for me.

Right!

I'm moving. That's that. I looked around the City last night and realized that, for all the hell it gave me, I miss it. I miss the hustle in the streets, the obnoxious colors, the guards that look like they're going to snap your neck if you step out of line. Why, I don't fucking know, but it'd be a nice change from having to worry every night that some drunk is going to stumble in and try to pull something.

Just in case you need further convincing, dear:

• You really, really do not need to be living somewhere that constantly reminds you of Belerius. He's gone, he lied to you, he's just like every other piece of shit man out there, get used to it.
  
• While the space was fine when it was just you and a man you sleep with, it is not big enough for you and a growing boy. Morol is going to need more room, especially as he gets closer to his 80's.
  
• On that note, Morol needs to learn how to live in a society, and not just with goblins.
  
• A booze-riddled town frequented by trolls that scream obscenities is no place to raise your nephew.
  
• You've got more money now. Why not upgrade to someplace nicer than a shack by the seashore?
  
• A bigger place means you'll be able to take the furniture he made and arrange it in a more presentable manner. That, or you can stow it away in the attic and never have to look at it again.
  
• Silvermoon City is a fuck of a lot closer to Quel'Danas than Ratchet.
  

There.

I'll start looking for something within the week. That Lieutenant fellow said now's a good time to buy, anyways, with the property values so low and all.

So why not? What do I possibly have to lose that I haven't already?

Alright, I need to go fishing more often.

Not ONLY can you get dinner, you can also meet funny guardsmen who think they can cook better than you. Ahhh. He's going to be utterly destroyed. I'm the best sun-damned cook I know. Boy doesn't even know what he's getting into.

On a different note, I've been thinking about moving back to the City. Most of my work these days is in Quel'Danas, and the trek from Ratchet to the island is, well... annoying. But I'm just not sure if I can leave that flat yet. I've got so many memories there -

... Maybe it would be good for me.

Bugger this all for a lark.

I've been spending my days at home lately, cooking, cleaning, making sure the damned boy doesn't destroy the bloody flat - essentially, I'm a housewife without the husband. Ha ha, funny. Anyways, Morol is doing alright, it would seem; he's adjusting surprisingly well for someone who lived in the fucking forest dancing amongst the trees for his entire life. I don't know how on Azeroth he's managed to live a day in society without someone wanting to shoot him. Gern didn't teach him anything about social situations. He therefore has a tendency to be a complete asshole to strangers without realizing it, and while I want to ween him out of this habit, I'm not exactly the pinnacle of social graces myself.

So he'll just have to learn on his own. Likely via bruises.

As of late I've been contemplating returning to Silvermoon, and I did so last night for a brief spell. All was quiet, shockingly enough. I wasn't even stopped by any guards for whatever bullshit reason.

And there's not much else to say on that. So.

Despite the suggestions of multiple people, I've been trying to avoid men altogether. I just don't see the point of them right now. Maybe I should be looking for someone new, maybe I should be finding a rebound guy, but will I be happy if I do? Every time I think about sex or love or what have you I think of Belerius, and whenever that happens I get this knot in my stomach like I'm going to throw up. I just don't know if I could do a relationship right now without thinking of him constantly throughout the whole thing, and that, honestly, is not fair at all to whatever poor sap I might pick up.

It's a tricky situation. I wish there was an easy answer to it all, but... well. There's not, and that's that.

I still can't believe Gern had a son and DIDN'T TELL ME.

Asshole.

Oh well, back to the City. Maybe they'll have another job for me - something other than work on Quel'Danas.

I'm of the opinion, UNSURPRISINGLY, that I still hate men.

In an uncanny act of me actually being social, I decided to get out of the house for a while and go to that stupid party on the beach. Well, silly me, I should've known it would've ended up being absolute shit. Oh, I'm sure the party itself was fine, but the company made me want to violently punch myself in the stomach until I threw up last week's lunch.

Actually, that's exaggerating.

They were very annoying, that's a bit more accurate. All the same. Who the HELL calls an old cohort a man after going without seeing her for months on end? What a twat. And that Jeria girl, insinuating somehow that I think I'm better than others, whatever it was -

What a couple of brats.

Anyways, once I'd left that disaster, I ran into Lapu, which was... a little bit odd, but that's not to say I wasn't glad to see him. We never really visit each other anymore. Ridelas of course had to show up and be an absolute prick about some troll that was sick, but fuck him. I can tell by the way he acts that he expects me to swoon over him like some little girl, when all I really want to do when I see him is wretch.

Lapu kept asking me about Belerius, which, by the end of the night, was a conversation that rather haunted m which I really could have done without. It didn't help that the topics were helplessly sexual, either.

Because, you know, I'm made of stone and all that, as we found out at the party, so OBVIOUSLY I won't be affected by talking about my sex life (which, by the way, no longer exists) and dwelling on the romantic aspects of a relationship I had with a man who stone cold left me

I'm going to get a drink before I hurt something.

Well.

I haven't had much time to write lately, and maybe that's for the best. Life's been crazy - one thing after another, a series of mission for the Shattered Sun, endless work, Harbingers mad with bloodlust as usual - and I haven't really had the chance to settle down and write. As I said though, maybe it's for the better as otherwise I no doubt would have spent my days mooning over Belerius and wondering if he'd ever come back, which it is so obvious to me now that he won't, not now and not in any near future as I would have done nothing productive with my time had I not been occupied.

On a recent mission to the Isle I encountered two boys, young things, obviously not old enough to have gotten onto the Quel'Danas by any legal means. Darda and I had to rescue them from a few Wretched, on account of the fact that they were not only young, but also stupid. In no short order I discovered that one of them is, surprise! my nephew!

My nephew, you know, the one I never heard anything about? This boy that I suppose is related to me - no, he has to be, he knows too much about Gern to be anyone else - but I never heard of. He's... I don't know. He looks a lot like his father already. I can tell he's going to grow into those cheekbones, and his eyes have this deep set about them that make him look serious all the time. Just like Gern.

But he never told me about him. I can only guess that this boy - Morol, that's his name - I can only guess that Morol is Chaela's son. She's the last one Gern was with for any extended period of time, and if I recall correctly, he was dating her right about the time when Morol would have been conceived.

And yet... why would he not TELL me? I'm his sister. We were always close, you'd think... And then he was gone during Lordaeron, the poor boy must've been alone with his mother - did my mother and father know?

Light, it's all mysteries to me. He's staying with me now, I've let him sleep out on the deck, and I wish I could pull all the answers out of his brain, but he's only a boy. I'll have to take things slowly, one step at a time.

Bloody Hellfire.

This place is insane - everyone on Azeroth seems to be stationed in Quel'Danas, everyone, that is, except Lapu. I wish I could get away long enough to pay him a visit, but it seems I won't have the time for another few days at least. Maybe I could get a letter out to him, see how he and his lady-friend are doing. Light, they've got to be better than the sin'dorei down here, it's insane.

No, they're insane. Everyone - everything here. The wretched, the sin'dorei that've turned against us... They want me to kill them. Not just the wretched, no, but other elves, ones that look like me. I thought it would just be the ruined ones, the ones that have been twisted - not this.

How can I? These are the people we called friends, comrades. Can't we sway them?

No. No, I don't suppose we can. They've all lost it, the lot of them. They're monsters, but

I don't want to do this. I don't want to kill my own kind. They look like me, for fuck's sake, they could be me, or any of the elves I know.

But I've got to, I've been assigned, they want me to go in and... and I can't go back to the Scryers. Not now, not after Jove. If I saw him again I couldn't handle it.

I've got to do it. Orders are orders, and I'm a soldier again - a real soldier, not just some mercenary for a troll.

Light save me, I'm sorry already.

I've got to get out of this house.

I'm going to do it, too. I was sleeping this morning (when the fuck have I not been the past few days) when I heard some blood elves running by outside, saying something about the Sunwell; then suddenly my hearthstone is shrieking, the Harbingers are yelling, and this is happening.

Kael'thas has returned, and with him comes yet again the potential for our people to be destroyed. Well, I'm not going to sit back this time. I'm not going to succumb.

I'm going to fight these fucking assholes. The Shattered Sun Initiative needs me now, and they'll have my blade by sundown. Whether or not I've got Jove at my side

I can't believe he's gone.

If I hadn't have said anything, he would've still been here. I wouldn't be alone again, he'd still be waiting for me every night, we'd still be engaged - I'd have something.

Light, I feel so empty.

What reason do I have left? I'm alone - ironically, things seem to be ending just as they started - my brother is insane, my mother is dead, my father is missing, Penny home empty, job worthless

What sin I committed to become this, I'll never know, but maybe it's a fitting payback - a life for a life

I don't know how anyone stops feeling this way once they start.

I miss him so much; why did he have to do this to me?

It's over I think I'm done. I can't bear this - not again.





-

(( OOC:

And with this plotline closed, I might be playing Somadil a lot less lately! At least until I figure her out. It's kinda like a sad-character ending. NOBODY WINS. Well, maybe Jove kinda, considering he's gotta man up and such, but Dil will be sad for a long, long time. We shall see how the cookie doth crumble.

In the meantime I'll probably be leveling Dethorne, 'cos he's a pervo who hasn't seen much action...o. In a while. ))