I did not just sit by and "collect dust."

Fuck all of this. Maybe I can't do anything for him, maybe there's nothing I can do about this - but at least I can help my people.

I'll send the letter tomorrow, after I've killed something.

I can't help him. I've been trying - I really, honestly wanted this to work - but by this point I... he's going to die. The last time we talked, he was acting crazy, yammering on and on about how people think he's so ungrateful, all because of one stupid comment I made.

"Maybe we should find out the name of the shaman that helped you, so we can send him a proper thank you" apparently is highly insulting and insinuates that he is an ingrate that can't appreciate anyone.

I just don't know what to do with him. Am I supposed to do anything? What can I? He doesn't listen to a word I say, he's practically in love with this Atalante fellow, and every day he gets worse and worse. I don't even want to touch him anymore. It took all my willpower just to kiss him on the cheek the other day; I can feel the tumors in his back, the lump... His hair is falling out now, he has to wear a hood to cover it, and his skin...

I need to get away from it for a while. I feel trapped, like I'm stuck with this man that's clearly going fucking Wretched, this man whose qualities kept me with him, but now they seem to be receding as he goes insane...



Maybe I'll take up that training the Shattered Sun asked me about. At least it'd take my minds off things, and I could avoid him keep myself busy.

I don't think he understands how hard it is for me to watch him routinely kill himself.

For some reason I just... haven't felt like writing lately. I'm too busy, there's too much to do, to think about; Morol bashed his head on something when he was out playing fighting in the Barrens a while ago, and making sure he was alright took up a lot of my time. Stupid boy. He still won't tell me what exactly happened. Probably means it's embarrassing.

At least he's okay, though, even if he's probably a bit dumber now; probably still eating the pantry in a span of five minutes. But...

Tanthos is... sick.

I don't know what's wrong with him, but I think it has to do with this Atalante fellow. I told him I don't think he should see him anymore, but we'll see if he listens; men are men. In the meantime, I'm helping him clean out his apartment (and ONLY cleaning out his apartment, thanks, Darda). It's a MESS. I think it's going to take us a few days to get it to at least an acceptable status; I've never seen so much paper in my life.

I just hope this all gets better - he's so ill. You can see it in him, he's thin, something about his hair isn't... what it used to be, his skin is all pallid and stretched...

I've half a mind not to go talk to that Atalante fellow again and see what exactly it is he's trying to help him with. I'm guessing he's some sort of disease, and it seems like Atalante is trying to mask it by giving him more mana than he needs - he's overdosing on those fucking crystals.

Something very weird is going on here, and I'm going to uncover it.

There's a certain point where, no matter how curious you are, you've got to realize that it's not your business.

I fucking hate that point. Why don't I deserve to know? What have I done that deems me unworthy of knowledge? It's annoying as sin. I don't see why I can't be bloody curious.

Not like it matters. I can't ask anymore. When you've received veiled threats from a Silvermoon government official, it's a sign that it's time to stop snooping. "Small incidents can go unnoticed in a government in turmoil" prick. Thanks a lot, I love it when people threaten my life. It's GRAND.

Anyways, this is what I know:

• Commander Sunlance of The Reckoning is associated with Atalante, a researcher who confessed to me that he's currently charged to study the Wretched. He didn't pinpoint necessarily why, but I'm going to assume for a cure.
  
• Atalante has the Commander's brother hidden away somewhere in the ruins and is trying to cure him. Didn't SOUND like they were having much success, based on the screams.
  
• Cirban Firestorm, the man who threatened me, works for the Silvermoon government and confirmed Atalante's credentials. So I guess my first inclination is wrong, and it's not some secret "interrogation" effort on part of the Silvermoon guard.
  
• Tanthos knows Atalante and seems to be in good company with the man. I trust Tanthos (as much as one can trust a man one's just recently met), so I'm going to go with the notion that Atalante's not too terrible.
  
• But then again... why threaten me? If it's an operation based purely on finding a cure for the Wretched, why all the secrecy? You'd think they'd open it up in order to gain more funding...

But I can't ask. I can't snoop, I can't scout, because if I do, I'm going to assume I'll be in a very bad situation immediately after. The organization seems innocent enough, even if they're hiding it away and... threatening people not to ask... that part is weird. Maybe they're just nervous about how the public would react? I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can tell the Warcaller, which is unfortunate because the whole reason I was snooping around in the FIRST place was to tell him that the Reckoning is doing some weird shit in the troll ruins. If we're going to work with them, we should know who they are, but... if I tell, they might find out. Then again, is there anything to tell? Maybe the Warcaller would just get annoyed and think it's stupid. I can imagine how that'd sound. "Hey, the Reckoning is loosely associated with some GUY who works for the GOVERNMENT! They're trying to find a cure for the Wretched. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! Man, they're some dodgy fellows, working towards that cure. I tell ya."

Bugger. What a waste of time.

What a bizarre day.

It started out alright. I completed my contracts on Quel'Danas and wandered about for a bit, then came across Tanthos again. We did work together for the rest of the evening, mostly for the Shattered Sun, then separated when it got dark. He had mounds of paperwork or some such, and I had a scouting mission to complete, anyways. Said something about fishing later? I'll have to make sure I talk to Morol first this time, he was pretty upset about last night, and now he's asking me things. He thinks I'm sneaking around with Belerius again, he knows about him now, at least a little bit; enough to know that he hurt me - I guess I need to clear that up with him, so he knows I'm not slipping out every evening to fu

So I return to the city and gear up, then head out into Eversong. I was supposed to be analyzing some troll ruins at Tor'Watha, as there had been some reports there recently of increased activity amongst the trolls. Well, I get there, and I don't see any trolls at he actual ruins, but instead there's this weird little man sitting on the steps, and shortly thereafter that Commander woman arrives.

I honestly thought they were having an affair. I was certain I'd stumbled across some sort of moonlit meeting, but then something howled from inside the ruins, and... and it became very obvious to me that the only affairs going on were ones of a more sinister variety, I suppose. So they weren't fucking.

It's her brother. The Commander - her brother is in those ruins, undergoing some sort of "treatment" to revert him from a Wretched state. That weird man - Atalan? something like that - HE'S doing all this. I questioned her about his credentials and she went on a big shpeel about how she's researched everything, but she didn't have anything specific to cite, and...

... and who locks up their own BROTHER in fucking troll ruins with some RANDOM PRICK? This is the leader of the unit we're going to be working with? I was hoping, based on Tanthos, that the lot of them were relatively balanced people, but it seems like we've got our work cut out for us. And the Warcaller - fucking idiot - he didn't even get any of the discussion down on paper, so now I have to hunt down that crazy bitch and get her to write out an official contract, so we don't, by proxy, get completely fucked in the arse.

Why are people so sunscorched stupid. Bloody hellfire. I'm going to go hunt down some more flats and write the LT Tanthos a letter.

That was interesting. Haven't been drunk AND high in ages. Started off with some sort of brew Tanthos made, then began mixing it with the Silverwine, and... yeah. Stoned on mana, drunk from the booze, good combo.

I can't believe what happened to him in the cells with his ex - I mean, seriously? What kind of person does that to someone they love? Well, I do believe it in a literal sense, but... Sun, that's cruel. Especially since they were all working towards a solution anyways, she could have waited, but instead

Ugh. Poor guy. Talked for a while longer after that before we started kissing again, which was a nice change of pace, and he referred to me once as his? Don't know if it was just in expression or if that means we have some sort of thing going on, but alright either way. Really nice hair. Happy that he's respecting the fact that just because I kiss you doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you, as most men these days seem to think any physical contact is a ticket straight into bed.

In other news, the unit nearly drove me insane last night. Whenever Avelmore's in a good mood it seems like he has to turn into this giant, flaring asshole in order to let everyone know, so he started immediately making fun of Luxley's stutter over the 'stone. Yeah, great. You're a real big man, Avel, mocking someone for something they can't help. We all called him out on it and he of course turned up the sass, and then Matojo got involved, and Darda clicked her stone off, and damn sometimes do I think this unit needs a mass attitude adjustment. REALLY.

Not like they can get it from Red, and no one really respects my promotion enough to listen to me, but... they need something. Especially with these rumors the Warcaller is talking about, where there's something going on, a new front he thinks is going to open up - we should be cohesive now, not a mass of arguing mercenaries. I'm worried about how we'll do if we ever have to work on a contract together, the lot of us. If there's no alcohol, we'll fail for sure.

Apparently we struck up some deal with The Reckoning, too? What is this? He's telling us all to write Shaali. Huh. Maybe I will.

Right.

So I met with Darda last night for drinks and to talk to her about men. Which, hilariously enough, is pretty much always the topic of our conversations when we go out, but it was good just to sit around with her again. I haven't seen that girl in ages.

Anyways, I told her about my concerns with Belerius - how I'm scared he'll somehow come back again and just be ashamed of me. I don't know if he'd be angry, if he'd be jealous or sad, but I can't imagine any positive reactions. Maybe he'd try and win me back, who knows. It's all bullshit in the end, though; as Darda said, if I haven't seen him by now, I probably won't see him ever again. So don't worry about him. Also, I shouldn't let myself feel bad about kissing Tanthos - since I'm the one who was left, apparently I can start looking at other men whenever I want. There's no grace period. Oh, and SHE was the one who bought him at the Auction thing? Funny as hell, going to give him shit about that.

Basically the same message about Rhyn. She wouldn't even really let me get started on him. All she said was to ignore him, that he's not a problem, he's just being his prick-self, essentially.

I still can't believe how quickly he turned on me. I lied to the entire unit to protect him, I turned on my own; but then all he did was run away and attack me a few days later.

Thanks, pal.

I should get back to the City and look for a flat. Lapu said he'd rent the old one if I left. Apparently he likes it a lot and, well, I'd be much happier if someone I know has it than if a stranger took it. I guess we'll see.

TO DO:

• Replace the liquor
  
• Get Morol some new pants, he's really outgrrowing them
  
• Check Silvermoon City for flats
  
• Write Tanthos about his cake
  
• See if Quel'Danas has any missions open today
  

[[ The writing here is sloppy and slanted, hinting that the writer might have been drunk at the time this entry was made. ]]



Total whore.

Is it possible for me to get drunk and not latch onto the nearest available man I see? SOURCES SAY NO. Spent a lot of time with Tanthos yesterday, probably a bit more than I should, and ended up asking him out on a date of all things. I haven't even looked at men since Belerius left. It hasn't crossed my mind once. But then, oh! ALL OF A SUDDEN it's time to be a complete skank, go drinking with a man I've only just met, and make out with him on a hill.

I hate hormones forever.

( And then she FRETS endlessly about Belerius and how soon is too soon to be kissing other men... )

Fuck, Morol just woke up

I lost.

I'm still having a hard time accepting it. HOW did I lose to a man?! Men aren't supposed to know how to cook! They're supposed to be bumbling failures in the kitchen! But then he showed up and the sandwich he made (way too simple, should have chosen something hard) was actually really fucking good, like it was better something I would have made.

So in short, it was embarrassing, and now I owe him a cake. A cake laced with mana, which will be an interesting thing to figure out how to make. I'm pretty sure I can do it - if bloodthistle and alcohol can be laced, why can't a cake? All it'll take is some figuring.

Might have been flirting a bit, stupid PRETTY sure he likes other men. Which is weird, but he's nice otherwise, so I guess it's alright? I don't know. He has really fucked up hands, too, tried asking him how they got that way and he didn't give me a solid answer. He just put his gloves back on.

In other news, I've been looking around the City a lot for potential flats or maybe a house?. There's a LOT of them on lease at the moment, so it's just a matter of finding one that's well within my price range and in an area I like. Someplace safe, definitely not Murder Row again.

Aaaaaand Morol just broke my vase.